Crowded CTA Train Morning Commute Edition

This is Chicago. Doors open on the right at Chicago.

"Give me back my ipod battery, you vagrant"	Derailment	Methodical voice: "Sorry for the delay. The condutor is off the train attending to repairs."	Homeless guy performs dangerous train car switch-a-roo
Brown line safety trumpeted vis-a-vis green/blue/red lines	Suduko puzzle crumpled	Santa absent	"OUT!"
Rolling suitcase blocks exit	Back pocket cut off	Refusal to move in to window seat	Conductor lies about train immediately following
Briefcase on seat	Greasy Pole	Makeshift newspaper sleeves	Reading Devil In The White City